The other night my girls started having problems with the boys behind our house. They were calling my girls’ names and creating a generally uncomfortable environment.
My wife approached me to solve the problem. She sent me one street over to talk to the boys’ parents.
As I made the trek to the offenders house, my heart reminded me that I don’t do confrontation well. My history is not that great, and it’s not an area where I seem to be successful. By the time I reached their front door my heart was pounding out of my chest, I was praying feverishly, and my palms were sweating like Microsoft at a Mac convention.
Their mom answered the door. I introduced myself and tried to be polite while challenging her with her children’s gross misbehaviors. In the process I fumbled over my words, and generally felt like a fool. Yea. I’m sensing victory.
Her response was predictable: cold and detached. She shrugged her shoulders with an “I’m-not-sure-I-believe-you” apology and re-entered her house. I walked back to the car having accomplished my goal but feeling very much defeated.
I hate confrontation.
I’m no confrontational expert. But as I’ve reflected on my experience let me offer three insights that might help you the next time you must confront.
1. Confrontation is best handled in relationship. I’d never met this neighbor before. I’m bothered that this is how our relationship began. Since we had no history, there was no trust. She doesn’t know I don’t complain often. As far as she can tell I’m the meddlesome creepy guy from the house behind her. This is why meeting your neighbors is important. It’s also why establishing solid relationship with the people around you is important. There may come a moment when you need to confront, and the relationship gives you a platform on which to stand.
2. Confrontation is best handled in a team. Matthew 18:15-19 gives some specific instructions on how to confront people. Two people is the standard. This protects you and them. But a team also gives your words authority and emphasis. It also tends to create confidence in you. Unfortunately, I went solo on my confrontational run and lacked confidence and security. Bad move.
3. Confrontation is best handled without the self-talk. In most confrontational situations, we try to have the conversation we’re about to have in our head before the situation actually takes place. We want to anticipate what they’re going to say so we can craft a shut-down reply.
The problem is that the conversation rarely goes the way we thought it would. We then find ourselves trying to have the real-time conversation while we are thinking about the self-talk that didn’t go as planned. Over and over, the Lord promises to give words to people in scripture. Think Moses.
I understand that usually those scriptures are referencing people who’ve been arrested for their faith and are having to make a defense; but let’s face it, in a confrontational situation, our faith is in jeopardy. If we respond with instinct we spit and holler and cause a scene and generally create disrepute for the faith. We, instead, want to respond with Christ-likeness. And in order to be Christ-like, I need to have His words.
Trust Him to provide those words when you need them. Stop generating the conversation in your head before you actually have it.
I’m sure I’ll have to confront again. Maybe I should read my own post before I make another attempt.
What have you found works best in confrontation?
You could always just toilet paper their house or arm your kiddos with eggs. 😀
Ahhh. If only I was a youth pastor again. I think my HOA would fillet me
with that approach, but I’ll keep it in the back pocket.
Love ya, Doug!
I agree with you that conflict of any kind is best handled within relationship and for the reason you stated. I think it is also best dealt with immediately, before you can have too many of those conversations in your head. Once we’ve prayed about what we are to do and know that we are dealing with the situation according to the Word of God, we have a responsibility to do so. The Bible gives us instructions regarding how we are to handle disagreements. This is another one of those times when doing what we know we need to do may conflict with our desire to protect our self image.
When I was interviewing for teaching jobs many years ago, I was asked by a
principal how I would handle a blatantly disrespectful child. I answered,
but didn’t get the job. Turns out, that answer is what killed me. She
wanted me to deal with the issue immediately, but my response indicated I
would do it later.
Well said, Kim!
Ahh yes but what if this person has upset you tremendously and caused a great deal of anxiety and frustration? I am dealing with that now with an incident from last night and I am waiting until I actually have some time tomorrow to discuss my frustrations with this person and allowing some time to cool off so I aproach her in a loving but firm manner. I dont want to have a phone conversation while trying to drive to choir tonight and then I dont get out until late so I told her I would call her tomorrow.
Hi Robb, I feel your pain. A few years ago, when my sons were much younger and playing football with the other boys in the neighborhood, one of the boys, a few years older, was a little too rough with my youngest, who came home crying. He seemed okay, but I decided I should go to the boy and/or his parents and ask him to apologize for his over-roughness. Well, the mom met me at the door and got her son for me, so I talked to him and asked if he would come over and apologize to my son. His mother told him to go with me and do as I asked. He did apologize and went home. A few days later my sons told me that they were not allowed to be in this kids yard at all anymore because of what I did. My sons were upset with me…anyway, I prayed and asked God how to make this right because it wasn’t my intention to create a bigger problem….one thing I learned is that I was not dealing with a Christian family who would readily “work with me on this.” The mom and I had been together in my home before, but still….I just didn’t realize.
Anyway, the Lord told me to bake a cake, so I did. I took the cake to the mom the next day and asked her to forgive me for coming over the way I did expecting her son to apologize. She actually took the cake. She still would not have anything to do with me, nor her son with my sons; however, I felt I did what the Lord wanted me to do and then it was out of my hands. I did learn from this experience that it is important to know who you are dealing with…maybe Jill could bake a cake :)…just kidding.
I love your approach! I think you nailed it on the head to identify who you
are dealing with. Unfortunately, I don’t really know this neighbor, so
that’s where relationship is important.
I also think it’s silly that your neighbor would take the cake yet refuse to
reconcile. That’s just indecent!
So what would you do different if you had to do it all over again?
We’re in a situation right now where a “confrontation” is needed even though it would be much easier to avoid the it all together. Thank you for your words of wisdom!